Friday, October 21, 2005


Oh-oh...the "C" word. No, not Commitment, not Conspiracy, not Carbohydrate; no, not even the word that makes women shudder the world over--Condoleeza, but...

...Yes...CUDDLE. There, I said it.

Well, this fellow's gone and done a lot worse--used it without mercy, in the craftiest, squash-any-competition, take-on-all-comers statement yet.

ICUDDL2 has, in one bold stroke of brilliance, upped the ante for would-be lovers and previously happy couples everywhere, by unabashedly confessing--damn it, outright promoting this very personal, very dreadful behavior.

Now, we can't say for sure which gender he's pitching his marketing approach to, given that the truck shows evidence of having been rear-ended, and that this photo was snapped in West Hollywood. No matter.

Furthermore, we cannot deduce if he means to say, I CUDDLE TOO, or that he is merely the successor to ICUDDL1.

The fact is, people, that we're all going to have to go just that little bit further now in order to be considered mateworthy, or to keep our significant others from straying.

I propose a counter-strike--a proactive, pre-emptive boast campaign to get back in the game here. Dig deep, seekers of companionship, devoted love, soul-bonding, and fornication! Know that you do indeed possess marketable, sought-after talents in this realm of romance; you hold the supply to meet that special someone's demand--well, that desperate, suicidal someone's demand.

To this end, to facilitate your inevitable running out and pairing off with the first mammal that'll have you, I offer the following personalized plate suggestions.

God, you so owe me.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Banana Republican

You know the imbecilic things we sometimes say while living on autopilot? The meaningless mottos proclaimed importantly, as if the great white light of revelation should suddenly strike the listener blind ? Or worse--uttered conspiratorially with the wink or nod soliciting an agreement? Let's do a tear-down on a few of them.

We'll pretend to cover at least a couple of these adages anyway, before I use it to segue into a merciless lambasting of some poor 26 y.o. SAF (chick, for the layman) that made the mistake of using one while posting a personals ad on Craig's List. And never mind what I was doing there!

Right then. My long-standing favorite saw has to be..."I'll try anything once."

Really? You mean you'd quit right away if you tried: eating elephant shit/blowing Bush/sacrificing children (ignore if you are Dick Cheney)--but felt it wasn't for you?

Then could you try just once for me--downing a quart of Peppermint Schnapps--chasing it with a six-pack of Mickey's Malt Liquor--navigating your Dodge Neon--full throttle--down the carpool lane on the wrong side of the I-10--for about an hour--Friday night at closing time? What?--that was you last week?! After giving that a chance for about an hour, no one would think less of you for deciding against it in the future.

Next up--"I have no regrets."

This pales in comparison to the latter, but is, for whatever reason, a current vexation of mine, and will therefore receive undue mileage. It also serves as a little cadence before the ascent to the final maxim, the words so foolhardily typed out by that spinster-to-be. I am confident she will have regrets.

So the regret thing plays out like this in my mind: If you're human, and far be it from me to judge you if you are not, you have been equipped with a range of emotions common to all. You might neither enjoy nor suffer the depths known to, say, your ex--but you've got them just the same. And given the asinine, or at best, vacant-minded behavior most of us indulge in daily, the odds certainly favor regret to finish with a strong showing at some point.

The other remaining ingredients to bake into this sour bit of cake are: memory and honesty, if my memory serves me correctly. Looking at the first, assuming the occurrence of regret is certain, it only need be remembered in order to "have regrets." Now, much of man's recent history, speaking individually and collectively, has admittedly been lost even before the empties were cleaned up the next day. And I am in no position to quarrel against such forgetting.

Given just that--to say, "I have no regrets," is tantamount to saying, "Dude, I don't remember shit..." Hardly something to boast of or espouse as a rare virtue...which brings us to the remaining ingredient: honesty.

OK--we now know that you had to have done something you've regretted; you probably have not been so thoroughly hammered through the beautiful unfolding of your life's story as to not remember at least one intance of regret; and now the only thing to impede your being able to say so is bloody well admitting it.

Now show me a justified, noble fellow with "no regrets," and I'll show you a goddamn liar.

I now submit for your review the above mentioned ad, intermingled with my study notes--her text in colored italics:

invasian... - 26

I am a 26 year old 2nd generation Korean girl. People say I look Japanese or Chinese rather than Korean. UC educated, working and trying to attempt to go up the corporate ladder, but it's quite an arduous daily cycle.

I really feel sorry for you with the failed ladder manoeuvres, although both Laurel & Hardy, as well as the Three Stooges seemed to have quite a laugh with them. In keeping with imaginary characters, Yoda himself would likely bitch-slap you for "trying to attempt..."

I am sick and tired of routine, and would like some changes, meet new people.. I am 5'4 in height, size four, shoulder length hair. I've done the Hollywood clubs, not much of a drinker so you definitely won't see me at bars, nor am I a devout Christian attending church. I am looking for someone who is educated, and ambitious. I am looking for someone who knows what their direction in life is, and I don't want someone who is currently trying to obtain a B.A. I want someone who is working in this daily corporate cycle, if not achieving a higher level of education.

Any B.A.'s reading this? My heart goes out to you, and my due respect to whatever covert branch of the government programmed this one.

"...this daily corporate cycle..."??? Shit, I'd be drinking in Hollywood clubs with all the B.A.'s and confessing it to devoted Christians any day before helping you with your cycle.

I prefer my men to be clean cut, someone who can dress up once in a while, but also be casual as Banana Republic style.

Banana Repugnant is casual? Outta the way!--I've gotta make a clean cut to the toilet!

As much as I would like to say it matters in the inside, and not the outside, we all know that's not true. I want someone who I can stare at and pleasing to the eye...I am not asking for a model, but I don't want to stare at someone and feel nauseous because I feel sick to my stomach.

Well, I'm hopeful with your willingness to compromise here--would you take a model with a B.A.? Or might you settle for a pleasing actor with corporate ambition (Ben Asslick?), and a restraining order against you for all that staring?

I'm at a loss for the not-wanting-to-feel-nauseous-because-you're-sick-to-your-stomach part. I don't see a way around that.

I'm not looking for someone who goes to Hollywood clubs every week, nor am I looking for someone whose a homebody either.

Sounds vaguely familiar... You weren't kidding about the arduous daily cycle, huh?

Someone who can enjoy a picnic at a park, watch a movie with popcorn and a diet coke...I want somebody who lives their life to the fullest.

At last, conclusive evidence there truly is life on other planets.

Did you catch it? One hell of a build-up, granted, but it was in there--our treasure unearthed, our mountain climbed, our pearl, uh, de-clammed: "somebody who lives life to their fullest."

Savor it.

I hope to God that you, blessed reader, have never used that phrase, but am certain if you had, it never would have been squandered on some pretty-boy Banana Republican corporate weasel eating popcorn with diet coke. I don't even need to address this life to the fullest bullshit in the manner I have with the previous aphorisms. There's too much ahead of us yet to be gleaned here from SFHW (Single Female Hamster on a Wheel).

I consider myself to be loquacious and I definitely don't like akward silences. I would prefer someone Asian to be quite honest since that's what I'm most comfortable with, but I am open.

Loquacious means she won't shut up. For her to tell us that, is like Rover confiding he is prone to sniffing other dog's asses, and definitely doesn't like awkward leash pulling during such moments.

In reference to preferring her own type because that's what she's most comfortable with (but she's open), I would like to draw the attention of the jury to the defendant's earlier statement, for the record: "I am sick and tired of routine, and would like some changes, meet new people..."

Guilty as charged.

Can you see now the idiotic drivel we as humans produce, oblivious to our own earlier, equally impassioned yet totally contradictory rants? And why this singles ad is such a rich springboard into a whole poolful of pre-owned fart pillows?

One of my pet peeves are ignorant people...I'm not looking for some 40 year old Caucasian dreaming of being with an asian girl either. I'm looking for someone between 27-32. So if you're an ignorant, close minded, old male...please don't reply cause I definitely won't.

Well, I doubt you'd attract any ignoramuses with such a coherent and intelligently expressed posting in a singles column. So no worries there.

But I'm bummed--I had gotten past the B.A. first cut, had figured out how to avoid early elimination from the diet coke picnic hurdle, and had even excelled in the casual dress obstacle course-- when you nailed me. It was in the pharmacy event--where I had just displayed proof of immunization for deadly Yellow Fever. I'd been advancing in the over-the-counter-medication-purchase for staring-induced nausea, when I got broadsided by mandatory Asian testing--Damn! And, while still down, you then brutally stomped me with your ageist cleats.

It's not over until the 5'4" (in height) size 4 lady sings.

Really though, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Never say never--or is it die?

I can say soberly and honestly, I have no regrets--because I'll try anything once.