Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Time Waits for No Man- er, uh...Person.

To quote Time magazine in a recent article, Ten Things We Learned About Blogs,
"Blogs wouldn't be such a democratic medium if they weren't so easy to set up."

What? Not so fast there. Blogs are easy to set up and they are a medium of free speech (so far), but what's up with the slippery democracy reference snuck in there? Was it to subtly coax powerless voters into believing that democracy is alive and well? Don't get me wrong- I'd trust the content of Time magazine with my life. They've only just chosen George W. Bush as Person of the Year. Probably all the publication needs is the folllowing instructions printed somewhere:

Deposit $3.95. Load brain. Select regular wash cycle. Allow full spin. Remove laundered brain. (More stubborn ideals may require soaking first in Fox News).

Time for a better quote.
Ever heard of H.L. Mencken? He wrote most of his work from 1920-1940, but as the following quote will show (your honor), he possessed an uncanny knowledge of events destined to unfold in the year 2004. Known as the most prominent newspaperman, book reviewer, and political commentator of his day, Henry Louis Mencken had this to say:

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

The Time has Come.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Sleeve Notes

Found this in the Sportsman's Guide Online, your one-stop shopping site for everything you need to act the part of Hunter-Fisherman-Farmer. Actually, in their defense, they claim to appeal to the "outdoorsman"- a term that I suppose includes anyone from a day-hiker to a husband locked out of the house for cleaning his gun at the kitchen table.
Getting to the point, it is this very store that has finally addressed the long overdue need for a "businessman" to pass himself off as a "rocker":

Businessman by Day, Hard-core Rocker by Night!

Trade in the suit for something a bit more laid back. Simply pull 'em on and these look like your arms are sleeved with tattoos. But at the end of the night, pull 'em off and you're ready for the office again. They're made of stretchable fabric with full color designs of skulls, python snakes, devil woman... and more.
Size Large / XL fits most. Get a pair ONLINE today!

Can you spot the businessman in this picture?!

What would any self-respecting businessman looking to kill deer want with faux tattoo sleeves? None of your goddamn business!
He's just had a full-salaried day of eating shit through a tube handed him by upper management, and now he's gonna cut loose. Hellbent on kicking out the jams, he's hitting the town tonight to pound some beers with Jimmy from Shipping and Receiving. Outta his way- 'cause shit rolls down hill, bro! No, I don't want no martini, dude- you see these tatts!?... Gimme a freakin' Corona!

That was a display of rather low morale, so let's let's do a little team-building and raise the bar here:
Why don't you businessmen just go ahead and push the envelope by requisitioning yourselves a pair of these bad-boys, at the end of the day? Think outside the box already and step up to the plate for a full-court press. The synergy's killing me!

All right, catch-and-release time. Look- it's pretty clear that something's a little fishy, a little gamey here. Everybody knows that if you're a businessman by day and you wanna be a hard-core rocker by night, that all you need to do is buy a Harley or Metric Cruiser (what they're called now that you can't say Jap bikes, overseas parts, or offshore fasteners, unless you're a war vet.) Bam- you get instant cred, good until the Hells Angels show up. So, what's with the sleeves? I smell a rat, but don't even check the trap, Clyde, 'cause I weren't born in a barn yesterday.

Businessman- come off it! This advertisement is no more than a duck decoy intended to distract the greenhorn reader from the true purpose of this product. When's the last time you made a living off shooting moose, snagging carp, or trapping muskrat? Exactly. An outdoorsman's got to pay the rent, fella! Well, in keeping with the stretch fabric theme, just accessorize the Businessman-by-day, Hard-core Rocker-by-Night Tattoo Sleeves with a Businessman-by-Day, Skiier-at-Night Mask, and you got yourself a night job, boy. But no one's going to announce they're selling the Businessman-by-day, Holdup Man-by-Night Kit now, are they?

That's right, detective. Play back the security cam footage all you want- nobody's ID'ing me. Go scour the rocker bars for the guy with all the ink... shake down the local ski hills too, while you're at it.

Businessman, Hard-core Rocker.......
Sure. I'm no idiot.

Friday, December 10, 2004

A Pound, an Ounce, Anagram

Toyota in the witness protection program

First time I've seen this variation. Seen Toy, seen Yo, but never seen the Maori Warrior/Happy Gene Simmons face before. So I tip my hat to the "GATE GUY" (his personalized plate) but I wish him busier times in his various roles of fixer, affixer, or keeper of the gate.
Takes me way back to the rotted-out 68 Mustang I had at age 16. I switched/discarded the MUSTANG letters on the trunk 'till they said G U T S, in what I believed to be an act of divine guidance, all the while fearing everyone else would do the same. But, to this day I've rarely seen car logos bastardized, and I'm kind of disappointed. Not counting the Toyota trucks, the only other sightings have been:



...but that's what I get for living in West Hollywood.

Here's a few closely-enough related tidbits I lifted from

TOUAREG is an anagram for - OUTRAGE

I wonder how well the ROLLS-ROYCE SILVER MIST sold in Germany, given that, in German, "MIST" means "MANURE."

The Mitsubishi PAJERO is sold in Spain under a different name because in Spanish vernacular it means something like WANKER.

Buick recently had to change the name of the LaCROSSE in Canada because it is French-Canadian slang for, (ahem) MASTURBATION.

And finally, my favorite, which may or may not apply to their unrequested contribution to the SUV pile :

VOLVO is Latin for "I ROLL".

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

My Bible Senses are Tingling

In case you haven't noticed, there's more than a little evil out there- we're fightin' a whole Axis, for Christ's sake! Things could not be more timely for Bibleman.

Although he's apparently been around for 10 yrs, and Lord knows how many years wandering around in the desert before that, he's got a video series, video game, and a daily scripture email for the kids. He's on tour, as we speak, coming to a church near you, and holy mass manipulation Bibleman, he may be able to explain why we're in Iraq!

Say Uncle Jesus!

Bibleman's one hell of a chrome-suited, light saber brandishing dude as you can see, not adverse to dishing out an old fashioned bible thumping if need be. He even hangs with Bible Girl, who sports a pretty fit and righteous breastplate, but there I go with the coveting. Thank God we don't have him paired up with some Bible Boy-Wonder in a same-sex scenario- I mean, you know- if it ain't behavior blessed by the president...

Thy appetite hath made thee whole.

Anyway, why the bejesus did they discontinue the Bibleman action figure? Who's the drunkard in charge of marketing? Any fool worth his daily bread could see that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to fail with this toy. Let's get the goddamn thing back out there- the resurrection! I'll tell you just how this Bibleman thing should play out:

Lo and behold, the new Bibleman Action Figure!
No stone was left unturned in the creation of this toy.

God is not just on our side- He's in the details!

With superhero cape made from our proprietary Get-Thee-Behind-Me Satin, and waist cinched with trademark Bible Belt, Bibleman is ready to crusade!

Incredibly AfterLife-like!!!

Lions?? Bring it on!!!

Be it Muslims, other misguided foreigners, or just citizens lacking moral values, Bibleman comes with everything you need to wage war and justify it!

Just look at these features!!!

Holy Roller Skates
Patented Turn-the-Other-Cheek neck action
Automatic Day-of-Rest shutoff switch
WWJD Handbook (not available in French)

But wait- there's more! Order before Christmas 2005 and we'll also throw in our Almighty Adapter Kit that allows you to quickly convert any nonsensical religion to Christianity.

Don't be the last on your block to get one- Don't let your friends be Holier-than-Thou! - ORDER NOW!

What the DEVIL are you waiting for?!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

You have to laugh- otherwise you'd just f&*$ing cry

Now that GWB is in the house (still) and we're relegated to only four more years of war, suffering, and a quantum leap backwards in evolution, what better time than to have a laugh, eh?

There's alot of funny and furious stuff out there to put on your bumper or your chest if you'd only just get on one of the internets and have a looky-there.

Click on this sticker, which I found most pleasing, and gave it a "5" on the "likelihood your car will be keyed" scale, only because most people won't get it, and probably just resume daydreaming about last night's episode of The Apprentice.

And here's a current favorite,

that's available in sticker or T-shirt format. I'd give this an "8" on the scale and wouldn't recommend you park in the Hooters lot with it.

So y'all get out there and spread the outrage, the giggles, given all the free time you have now that democracy's dead.